Well, it happened
The Hummer engine injects gasoline and exhausts masculinity. It's a military vehicle. It's for killing people. In certain situations when people to be killed aren't around, it acts as a support vehicle to aid in the killing of people elsewhere. My friend is in Korea. He spends his days in a Hummer relaying cell traffic so that our ground troops can kill people in more coordinated ways. Is there anything more masculine than killing people? Yes, killing them with highly efficient troop movements and big, high rate-of-fire weapons. The Hummer can do both. The H2, while sissified somewhat, still carries the deadly name recognition.
The Hummer, and its cuter sibling, the H2, are built without a second thought to practicality. This is understandable in the original, which was built as a multi-purpose military vehicle. Price tag and gas mileage is of no consequence to the military or to Arnold Schwarzenegger. In buying the original, the consumer makes an implicit statement that neither price nor mileage bothers him/her either. The H1 is dogged proof of your incredible buying power. The H2 offers less of that proof, but in a more aesthetically pleasing facade and shorter wheelbase.
With the advent of the H2 Stretch limo, often seen navigating the steep and narrow streets of Seattle's Pioneer Square, jumping curbs and taking up multiple lanes, you get that feeling of consumer clout back, along with the obstinate assertion that you just don't give a fuck about anyone else. That's power. Make sure you get back in your limo to hit the next multi-tiered, trance-thumping, $12 cover hell-hole, regardless of how close it is. In fact, to achieve maximum clout, never leave the H2 Stretch at all, just park and party in a high traffic area.
Men. Fellas. Compatriots. Hombres. Can't afford a Hummer? Not even an H2? Maybe even a little short when the H3 drops next summer? Don't worry. Got 32 dollars? Now, for an unlimited time, you can get a little hunk of the Hummer's death-rattling, conspicuous-consumption vibe for a little over 1/2000th of the price. That's a 99 percent savings.
How is this possible? Glad you asked.
posted by Luke @ 2:50 PM
9 comments
9 Comments:
You hit the preverbial nail on the head dude. Hummers are both pretentious and pompous and make me want to wretch. They are a sure sign of the immenant downfall of our bloated western society.
This post is absolutely brill.
Mandy,
Good article. Do you have a blog? I'd like to take a look at it.
I think a lot of this backlash in Europe shows a very tenuous balance there between what's defined as a "freedom". It's like this: In America, like the report stated, people like the unrestricted selfish freedom of being able to do whatever we want. The problem is that gas guzzling cars aren't only burdens on the owner's bottom line, they contribute significantly to pollution and whatnot.
Something else the report stated was right on point. The weight of SUVs is a problem we fail to recognize in America. Roads aren't invincible, they eventually break down. the rate at which they break down depends on the speeds allowed and the weight of the vehicles that travel them. In Europe this is a huge problem because often, in older city centers the roads are still cobbled. Even in America, residential and surface streets take a pounding from heavy trucks and SUVs. Trucks are more excusable because they have valid functionality, they do work (sometimes). SUVs really only serve a valid purpose for a very small cross-section of Americans, call these the REIers. For the rest its variously window dressing and the false security of driving a big as hell rig.
So I think the question needs to be addressed in this country, and not just on the issue of cars, but of lifestyle in general--urban sprawl and whatnot--at what point does one person's freedom of consumption begin to infringe on another's (possibly generations in the future) freedom of life and happiness? thanks again Mandy, I'm going to blog about this I think.
I once watched a Toyota Landcruiser in Florence negotiating about a 9 point turn. This was in the centro, the building I went to school in was over twice as old as America as a nation, and the roads have remained pretty much unchanged since the renaissance. This Landcruiser, struggling as it was, wasn't making a u-turn, it was just turning right.
Here's two interesting factoids for you:
1.) There is a (up to) $100,000 'business' tax credit for buying an SUV. If you work at home with any regularity and have a plausible excuse for driving as a part of your 'business' (Note: that doesn't mean commuting to/from work. Nor does it mean that only small business owners are eligible for the credit). The catch? The vehicle has to weigh over three tons so it classifies as a 'light truck.' It is not at all a coincidence that the vast majority of SUVs weigh in at a hair over three tons. That's six thousand pounds.
2.) In many residential areas (Los Angeles' upper west side, all of San Francisco) and pretty much all urban areas, there are signs up of a UPS-looking truck with a red line through it that say, "No vehicles over 3 tons." Many SUV owners live in these areas but cops wouldn't even dream of writing tickets for driving an overweight vehicle.
3.) Since SUVs are light trucks, they dodge nearly all fuel efficiency standards as well as standards regarding safety of airbags and rollovers.
4.) The 'SUV tax credit' almost gets the ax every few sessions of congress. Somehow, it manages to pull through.
So, just to summarize, the government will give you an enormous tax cut to buy a gas-guzzling, polluting vehicle that will ruin the streets you are not willing to pay to repair and, in the event of a two-car accident, will almost certainly kill the occupants of the other car. If you are lucky enough to crash by yourself, you are likely to die as your airbag (if one is even present) is mostly useless. It doesn't really matter because your crash is most likely to to be a roll-over wherein the roof will collapse and kill you and your passengers. Enjoy!
I'm a political pragmatist. I understand that many public officials are worthless sacks of shit and that many are honest public servants working hard to improve the lives of their electorate. Even so, stuff like this tax credit are almost enough to make me lose faith in the political process. Everyone recognizes that this credit is abused and needs to be, at worst, reformed, and, at best, elimanted all together. It's enormous staying power can be directly attributed to the lobbying power of various special interest groups. Disgusting.
--Mike Sheffler
... turning to the 3-D map, we see an unmistakable cone of ignorance
So what if instead of using Hummers to try to kill people, we use them to... catch criminals? Hummer appears to be trying to counteract its negative image (or just trying to cash in on the most sucessful franchise on television right now) by getting a product placement on CSI: Miami. And who drives the Hummers? (or I suppose they're H2s since that's what they're trying to sell now, but I can't tell the difference.) That's right, the criminalists. They drive them to crime scenes and to interview people. Granted, there have been a couple of scenes in the Everglades that sort of justify that sort of ride, but come on. Would the taxpayers of Miami-Dade county really stand for their public servants driving such a ridiculously expensive (not to mention conspicuous, although perhaps not in Miami) vehicle? I mean, there's a reason cops drive Crown Victorias. It bears mentioning that the criminalists on the original show (set in Las Vegas) drive Chevy Tahoes. Really. So far, no one on CSI: New York drives anything, which seems a little too realistic for TV, so I'm sure one of these days we'll see Gary Senise pull up to a crime scene in a Yukon XL, which, by the way, can hold a queen mattress laying down in the back. So useful when you're transporting yourself and a box of rubber gloves and q-tips.
--Aleah
That's hilarious Aleah. And if they are H2s they'd be totally fucked in the Everglades since most of the extreme all terrain shit in the H1 was gutted for the H2.
OH the Humanity
Was that a capital or lower case 'h' Ashley?
At the risk of getting shitkicked, none of my friends like the vehicles.
Must be a Carolina thing.
Yeah Ashley, I GOT IT. The capitalization just threw me.
Luke, it's a word that deserves to be capitalized.
I got it. Maybe I don't get it. But I got it.
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